guilt

how many times a day do you think you feel guilty ? 

i've noticed my guilt really rise as i go further and further into adulthood. 

it's like i never feel like i can just take a break

i think because i don't have hard fast lines about when i'm working and when i'm not i never give myself permission to relax. 

now don't get me wrong i do plenty of sitting around doing nothing, now for example, but i never allow myself to completely mentally clock out. 

instead it's more like when you force yourself to stay awake past your bedtime, you're there physically, but your brain has definitely checked out enough that you know you're not there 100% 

and existing in the purgatory between work and play is hard, stressful, and had probably given me a few too many ulcers in my almost 25 years on this planet.

but here i am, on a Saturday afternoon stressing out over nothing just to make myself feel more anxious than necessary. 

i think all my years of productive procrastination in school has perhaps set me up for failure here "in the real world" ~ since there's no due dates in life i'm really struggling with staying on track and focused while also allowing myself to chill the fuck out. 

... not quite sure if i have a moral lesson or conclusion to draw from this yet... 

i think i'm still working on that part ~ 

i'll let you know

~ E