i think it's probably just a part of growing up, but i find myself struggling mostly with what some probably find to be the most reassuring part of their existence. routine. now, i've lived a pretty hectic life; my parents were always working and traveling (still are, matter of fact) and we would never really settle into a place for more than 5-ish years. There's a joke in my family that once you've found a doctor, a nail place, and someone to cut your hair, it was time to move. & only now that i'm a grown-ass adult am i realizing how restless i get if i don't go out of my city and see some other terrain every now and then. 

but it's not just about landscapes or making sure i smell the ocean air, there's something in the monotony of the everyday that drives me absolutely mad ! everyone talks about forming "good habits" in your childhood and early adulthood, so that when you get a bit older your habits already push you towards a balanced and healthy lifestyle. well, while the push for a healthier lifestyle comes from a well-intentioned place, does the road to get there have to be SO BORING ? it can't just be me that thinks that your alarm going off at the same time every day sounds like some kind of archaic pavlovian torture ? i don't WANT to live a life of routine and monotony, that's why i strayed so far away from jobs that would loop me into that cyclical motion. It's like that Charlie Chaplin film, the one that's the precursor to the "i love lucy" chocolate conveyor belt ? you know ? the one where it's a comment on the industrial revolution when Charlie ends up getting sucked into the cogs of the machine and becomes part of the machine itself ? no ? just me ? cool. look it up. it's a good one. 

i just, i really seem to be having a problem where i associate "routine" with "BORING" and therefore i don't take it seriously, i lose interest, and my focus wavers pretty early on. I want to get to a point where i can set myself a goal and slowly chip away at it one day at a time until i get there. Instead, i find myself procrastinating in some kind of weird "planning mode" only to then come across a deadline and run around like a chicken with my head cut off until it's finished. Maybe that just comes from my high school theatre days; where you'd all be putzing around doing who knows what, only to have 99% of the show come together during those two days of tech. if you did high school theatre you know exactly what i'm talking about, and if you didn't... well... to be honest, you probably make much smarter choices in life than i. not sure i'll be able to provide you with much wisdom, but maybe you're just here for a laugh. 

So, here's the real kicker; despite my vehement rejection of the daily routine and monotony, i do constantly find myself falling into what i can only refer to as "bad habits". it's ironic to say the least, but i will have all these good and pure intentions to "follow the flow of life" and just "que sera sera that shit" but the things that drag me down more than anything are the basics. i can't seem to follow a healthy eating pattern, i'm either overworked and underfed or underworked and overfed. i'm also one of those fun people that's technically allergic to everything, so i'm not really supposed to be eating carbs, (or sugars, or fruits, or dairy) and yet sometimes... that dollar slice or bagel & lox is just too much to resist. this kind of bad habit isn't technically the worst. it's not as though i'm committing any crimes. the most i'm harming myself is with a couple extra trips to the restroom and maybe an extra inch of pudge here & there; but i think the fact that i can't seem to keep my daily routine consistent is what throws my mental health into a spiral. 

i don't want my life to be routine, but i still need a life routine. you know? 

i can't keep pretending that going to sleep "whenever i'm tired" is healthy, because i will literally force myself to stay awake until the absolute breaking point and honestly why ? is my instagram feed really that interesting ? no. it's not. especially not with this dumb ass algorithm they're trying to get us to all update to. i push myself until i can no longer bend constantly and i just can't figure out why someone like me, who hates habitual actions, seems to be caught up in nothing but bad ones ? then again, shitty behavior is easy to fall into and it's important to be kind and forgiving of yourself. For someone like me who's brain likes to make them sit in suffering, i suppose it makes sense as to why i might constantly be fighting off old habits only to fall back into them a few months later. 

Maybe i'm just jealous, maybe i've always been jealous. of those who can set a goal and follow it, of those who can brush their teeth twice a day, and make their bed, and shower (while still remembering to actually wash their body not just dissociate staring at the wall for 10 minutes). Maybe it's not about hating routine but hating the fact that following a routine doesn't come as easily to me like it does for so many others. Perhaps, this is a breaking point; or at least a place to build up from. I'm going to try and focus a bit more on checking in with myself when i fall into my bad patterns, and trying to really focus on why those bad patterns keep cropping up. February is always my hardest month, it's such a weird time of year for everyone and it's a month that doesn't quite know what it is (is it spring ? is it winter ? not sure, but i'm SAD either way) and so i don't think i ever know quite what i am during this time either. As much as i dread the warm weather (seriously, who enjoys sweating?) i think i'm looking forward to the longer days and the summer nights. Perhaps my mental equilibrium will settle by then.