let's try this ~

well, here we are.

it's January of a new year and here i am starting a blog. 

Though, is it really "starting" a blog if you've technically been "blogging" since Panic! at the disco only had one album and much skinnier jeans ? i definitely still have a lost external hard drive somewhere with all of my old myspace poetry but maybe it's for the best i don't have to worry about hackers spotting that in my icloud. (my nudes are definitely fair game tho.)

2017 sucked. like, really sucked. I vaguely remember 2016 being shit too but i couldn't for the life of me tell you why that was since 2017 kind of just SHAT ON all of the problems and pains of existence that was 2016.

I'm an adult you see. Not the kind of adult that has a steady 9-5 or knows what a 401k is but also not the kind of adult that solely exists on 99-cent ramen while relying my parent's laundry machine... though no shade to 99-cent ramen and i probably would be taking advantage of my parent's laundry-room if they lived closer. but it's a weird middle-ground, gray-area of existence that people don't really like to talk about. After graduating from college, i was pretty lost and i still am lost; because as much as people LOVE to warn you about how painful it is to go off to college and how hard it is to leave home, NO ONE told me about how much worse it is after graduation.

See, school is this thing that you just know. whether you're a good student or not, by the time you get to college you pretty much have the routine down. you sign up for classes, you hopefully show up to all/most of them and you get grades that literally won't matter past the point of them handing you a piece of paper that is basically an oversized receipt for the giant price tag that was your education for the first 21-ish years of your life. 

And most adults, like any normal person would, have blocked out the traumatizing event that is your first few years post-grad. Suddenly, i had graduated and for the first time in my entire life i could no longer be referred to as a "student". Sure, i had been calling myself an adult since my first training bra but there was something about losing that sense of community i had known for so long that really drove that idea home, and then drove me right into an existential crisis ~  

I had gone from being the wise-elder of the educational paradigm to the youngest of the old in the "real world". I had spent 21 years of my life working towards something that wasn't even necessarily for me, i took countless classes and wrote too many papers about things i had no interest in to suddenly be given the freedom of limitless possibilities. finally, Instead of working on what other people wanted me to, i had the time and freedom to do  w h a t e v e r  I wanted to! so you know what i did? 

...

i panicked. 

i had no IDEA where to start ? After all, I didn't really know what i wanted to do. I spent all my years at school worrying about getting As and graduating that i didn't exactly have a plan for what happened afterwards. I had a vague idea, a mild fantasy, but i had no way of knowing the steps to try and get there or how i was going to afford an even more expensive city than the one i had gone to college in. oh, and i only had 6-months until my student loan payments started kicking in. cool.

There's a lot of existentialism and identity-crises going on left and right in your early twenties and I think it's pretty shit that no one WARNED me about this inevitable ennui that i've been stuck in these past few years. Granted my mental health in general has always been in a bit of a spiral (literally since those myspace poetry days) so i maybe i shouldn't have been so surprised, but there i was crying on the 1 train at 2 pm on a Tuesday thinking the world was coming to an end because i suddenly felt too big and too small all at once. 

It's now been almost 3 years of this so i'm starting to get used to the routine of confusing tax forms, and hustling for a job you're bound to be underpaid for, and trying to figure out how many vegetables you need to survive on a daily basis, and companies ghosting you, and friends ghosting you, and being disgruntled about the price of a rug, or a trash can, or a VACCUM (seriously, why are they so expensive ? and why does not one of them do their sole function ?! ). I feel like maybe i'm getting to a point where not everything feels like the start of the apocalypse but i definitely still go through my days/weeks/months of it and that's when i realized~

what if  E V E R Y O N E  felt this way?

what if it wasn't just me? 

what if this was a problem that every twenty-something postgrad was going through and no one was talking about?

and that's kind of why we're here now ~ 

as much as i am an avid journaler, that kind of writing typically never sees the light of day, and for good reason (ie that old myspace shit). But i've always liked the idea of writing more formally, of posting publicly all of what i'm overthinking and documenting this weird time that we're in. From a personal and political perspective i think this is the most interesting time of my life and as much as that normally doesn't feel like a good thing, i think it's an important thing to take note of and try to learn from. 

My friend Zach texted me and said: "You should blog shit I'm your biggest fan" 

and to be honest, that was maybe one of the nicest and scariest things anyone's ever said to me, because it meant someone noticed me. and not that they noticed me for my (obviously incredible) fashion choices, or my manicure, or my physical manifestation, but they noticed M E  ~ my brain, my thoughts & ideas, my "id" or whatever you want to call it and that thought was so absolutely thrilling to me that i got scared. like, really scared. 

We all come into adulthood with so much baggage from our past, insecurities, and flaws, and things that you've been told all throughout growing up that were "wrong" about us that these first couple of years navigating adulthood are really more about conquering those demons than they are anything else. That kind of pressure, on top of the need to actually keep yourself alive & functioning (with money, and food, and hygiene, etc.) is the part i wish i had gotten the heads up about. I had all these ideas and visions of what i wanted to accomplish career-wise with my life once i was done with school, once i had the freedom to make my own choices, but being an adult takes time and practice, and while i am certainly not in a position to take on all of these whimsical fantasies of my kanye-like domination of the world just yet, i also don't have to be completely discouraging of them. 

it's all about balance, and being more kind and forgiving to yourself than you realize. It's about figuring out what you need through trial and error but it's also about finding camaraderie with those suffering around you. Living in New York City is certainly about that at least. In my postgrad adulthood, i've bonded with more people over a delayed train than i have about shared sports teams, career choices, or political views. It's the truly basic human parts of our days that everyone knows so well, so why are these not our meeting grounds for change? 

and that leads us here ! to today ! to January 07, 2018 ! to me typing all of this on my tiny travel laptop because i'm still extending this winter holiday over a week into the new year because adulting, i'm realizing, is also all about making up your own rules as you go.

So i'm trying things out, i'm starting new projects, i'm pushing myself at my speed while trying to establish some kind of a balanced life and most of all, i'm ready to fail epically.

but i'm also so ready to finally succeed. 

~~~

~ E