guilt

how many times a day do you think you feel guilty ? 

i've noticed my guilt really rise as i go further and further into adulthood. 

it's like i never feel like i can just take a break

i think because i don't have hard fast lines about when i'm working and when i'm not i never give myself permission to relax. 

now don't get me wrong i do plenty of sitting around doing nothing, now for example, but i never allow myself to completely mentally clock out. 

instead it's more like when you force yourself to stay awake past your bedtime, you're there physically, but your brain has definitely checked out enough that you know you're not there 100% 

and existing in the purgatory between work and play is hard, stressful, and had probably given me a few too many ulcers in my almost 25 years on this planet.

but here i am, on a Saturday afternoon stressing out over nothing just to make myself feel more anxious than necessary. 

i think all my years of productive procrastination in school has perhaps set me up for failure here "in the real world" ~ since there's no due dates in life i'm really struggling with staying on track and focused while also allowing myself to chill the fuck out. 

... not quite sure if i have a moral lesson or conclusion to draw from this yet... 

i think i'm still working on that part ~ 

i'll let you know

~ E

Habits

i think it's probably just a part of growing up, but i find myself struggling mostly with what some probably find to be the most reassuring part of their existence. routine. now, i've lived a pretty hectic life; my parents were always working and traveling (still are, matter of fact) and we would never really settle into a place for more than 5-ish years. There's a joke in my family that once you've found a doctor, a nail place, and someone to cut your hair, it was time to move. & only now that i'm a grown-ass adult am i realizing how restless i get if i don't go out of my city and see some other terrain every now and then. 

but it's not just about landscapes or making sure i smell the ocean air, there's something in the monotony of the everyday that drives me absolutely mad ! everyone talks about forming "good habits" in your childhood and early adulthood, so that when you get a bit older your habits already push you towards a balanced and healthy lifestyle. well, while the push for a healthier lifestyle comes from a well-intentioned place, does the road to get there have to be SO BORING ? it can't just be me that thinks that your alarm going off at the same time every day sounds like some kind of archaic pavlovian torture ? i don't WANT to live a life of routine and monotony, that's why i strayed so far away from jobs that would loop me into that cyclical motion. It's like that Charlie Chaplin film, the one that's the precursor to the "i love lucy" chocolate conveyor belt ? you know ? the one where it's a comment on the industrial revolution when Charlie ends up getting sucked into the cogs of the machine and becomes part of the machine itself ? no ? just me ? cool. look it up. it's a good one. 

i just, i really seem to be having a problem where i associate "routine" with "BORING" and therefore i don't take it seriously, i lose interest, and my focus wavers pretty early on. I want to get to a point where i can set myself a goal and slowly chip away at it one day at a time until i get there. Instead, i find myself procrastinating in some kind of weird "planning mode" only to then come across a deadline and run around like a chicken with my head cut off until it's finished. Maybe that just comes from my high school theatre days; where you'd all be putzing around doing who knows what, only to have 99% of the show come together during those two days of tech. if you did high school theatre you know exactly what i'm talking about, and if you didn't... well... to be honest, you probably make much smarter choices in life than i. not sure i'll be able to provide you with much wisdom, but maybe you're just here for a laugh. 

So, here's the real kicker; despite my vehement rejection of the daily routine and monotony, i do constantly find myself falling into what i can only refer to as "bad habits". it's ironic to say the least, but i will have all these good and pure intentions to "follow the flow of life" and just "que sera sera that shit" but the things that drag me down more than anything are the basics. i can't seem to follow a healthy eating pattern, i'm either overworked and underfed or underworked and overfed. i'm also one of those fun people that's technically allergic to everything, so i'm not really supposed to be eating carbs, (or sugars, or fruits, or dairy) and yet sometimes... that dollar slice or bagel & lox is just too much to resist. this kind of bad habit isn't technically the worst. it's not as though i'm committing any crimes. the most i'm harming myself is with a couple extra trips to the restroom and maybe an extra inch of pudge here & there; but i think the fact that i can't seem to keep my daily routine consistent is what throws my mental health into a spiral. 

i don't want my life to be routine, but i still need a life routine. you know? 

i can't keep pretending that going to sleep "whenever i'm tired" is healthy, because i will literally force myself to stay awake until the absolute breaking point and honestly why ? is my instagram feed really that interesting ? no. it's not. especially not with this dumb ass algorithm they're trying to get us to all update to. i push myself until i can no longer bend constantly and i just can't figure out why someone like me, who hates habitual actions, seems to be caught up in nothing but bad ones ? then again, shitty behavior is easy to fall into and it's important to be kind and forgiving of yourself. For someone like me who's brain likes to make them sit in suffering, i suppose it makes sense as to why i might constantly be fighting off old habits only to fall back into them a few months later. 

Maybe i'm just jealous, maybe i've always been jealous. of those who can set a goal and follow it, of those who can brush their teeth twice a day, and make their bed, and shower (while still remembering to actually wash their body not just dissociate staring at the wall for 10 minutes). Maybe it's not about hating routine but hating the fact that following a routine doesn't come as easily to me like it does for so many others. Perhaps, this is a breaking point; or at least a place to build up from. I'm going to try and focus a bit more on checking in with myself when i fall into my bad patterns, and trying to really focus on why those bad patterns keep cropping up. February is always my hardest month, it's such a weird time of year for everyone and it's a month that doesn't quite know what it is (is it spring ? is it winter ? not sure, but i'm SAD either way) and so i don't think i ever know quite what i am during this time either. As much as i dread the warm weather (seriously, who enjoys sweating?) i think i'm looking forward to the longer days and the summer nights. Perhaps my mental equilibrium will settle by then. 

onwards.

 

let's try this ~

well, here we are.

it's January of a new year and here i am starting a blog. 

Though, is it really "starting" a blog if you've technically been "blogging" since Panic! at the disco only had one album and much skinnier jeans ? i definitely still have a lost external hard drive somewhere with all of my old myspace poetry but maybe it's for the best i don't have to worry about hackers spotting that in my icloud. (my nudes are definitely fair game tho.)

2017 sucked. like, really sucked. I vaguely remember 2016 being shit too but i couldn't for the life of me tell you why that was since 2017 kind of just SHAT ON all of the problems and pains of existence that was 2016.

I'm an adult you see. Not the kind of adult that has a steady 9-5 or knows what a 401k is but also not the kind of adult that solely exists on 99-cent ramen while relying my parent's laundry machine... though no shade to 99-cent ramen and i probably would be taking advantage of my parent's laundry-room if they lived closer. but it's a weird middle-ground, gray-area of existence that people don't really like to talk about. After graduating from college, i was pretty lost and i still am lost; because as much as people LOVE to warn you about how painful it is to go off to college and how hard it is to leave home, NO ONE told me about how much worse it is after graduation.

See, school is this thing that you just know. whether you're a good student or not, by the time you get to college you pretty much have the routine down. you sign up for classes, you hopefully show up to all/most of them and you get grades that literally won't matter past the point of them handing you a piece of paper that is basically an oversized receipt for the giant price tag that was your education for the first 21-ish years of your life. 

And most adults, like any normal person would, have blocked out the traumatizing event that is your first few years post-grad. Suddenly, i had graduated and for the first time in my entire life i could no longer be referred to as a "student". Sure, i had been calling myself an adult since my first training bra but there was something about losing that sense of community i had known for so long that really drove that idea home, and then drove me right into an existential crisis ~  

I had gone from being the wise-elder of the educational paradigm to the youngest of the old in the "real world". I had spent 21 years of my life working towards something that wasn't even necessarily for me, i took countless classes and wrote too many papers about things i had no interest in to suddenly be given the freedom of limitless possibilities. finally, Instead of working on what other people wanted me to, i had the time and freedom to do  w h a t e v e r  I wanted to! so you know what i did? 

...

i panicked. 

i had no IDEA where to start ? After all, I didn't really know what i wanted to do. I spent all my years at school worrying about getting As and graduating that i didn't exactly have a plan for what happened afterwards. I had a vague idea, a mild fantasy, but i had no way of knowing the steps to try and get there or how i was going to afford an even more expensive city than the one i had gone to college in. oh, and i only had 6-months until my student loan payments started kicking in. cool.

There's a lot of existentialism and identity-crises going on left and right in your early twenties and I think it's pretty shit that no one WARNED me about this inevitable ennui that i've been stuck in these past few years. Granted my mental health in general has always been in a bit of a spiral (literally since those myspace poetry days) so i maybe i shouldn't have been so surprised, but there i was crying on the 1 train at 2 pm on a Tuesday thinking the world was coming to an end because i suddenly felt too big and too small all at once. 

It's now been almost 3 years of this so i'm starting to get used to the routine of confusing tax forms, and hustling for a job you're bound to be underpaid for, and trying to figure out how many vegetables you need to survive on a daily basis, and companies ghosting you, and friends ghosting you, and being disgruntled about the price of a rug, or a trash can, or a VACCUM (seriously, why are they so expensive ? and why does not one of them do their sole function ?! ). I feel like maybe i'm getting to a point where not everything feels like the start of the apocalypse but i definitely still go through my days/weeks/months of it and that's when i realized~

what if  E V E R Y O N E  felt this way?

what if it wasn't just me? 

what if this was a problem that every twenty-something postgrad was going through and no one was talking about?

and that's kind of why we're here now ~ 

as much as i am an avid journaler, that kind of writing typically never sees the light of day, and for good reason (ie that old myspace shit). But i've always liked the idea of writing more formally, of posting publicly all of what i'm overthinking and documenting this weird time that we're in. From a personal and political perspective i think this is the most interesting time of my life and as much as that normally doesn't feel like a good thing, i think it's an important thing to take note of and try to learn from. 

My friend Zach texted me and said: "You should blog shit I'm your biggest fan" 

and to be honest, that was maybe one of the nicest and scariest things anyone's ever said to me, because it meant someone noticed me. and not that they noticed me for my (obviously incredible) fashion choices, or my manicure, or my physical manifestation, but they noticed M E  ~ my brain, my thoughts & ideas, my "id" or whatever you want to call it and that thought was so absolutely thrilling to me that i got scared. like, really scared. 

We all come into adulthood with so much baggage from our past, insecurities, and flaws, and things that you've been told all throughout growing up that were "wrong" about us that these first couple of years navigating adulthood are really more about conquering those demons than they are anything else. That kind of pressure, on top of the need to actually keep yourself alive & functioning (with money, and food, and hygiene, etc.) is the part i wish i had gotten the heads up about. I had all these ideas and visions of what i wanted to accomplish career-wise with my life once i was done with school, once i had the freedom to make my own choices, but being an adult takes time and practice, and while i am certainly not in a position to take on all of these whimsical fantasies of my kanye-like domination of the world just yet, i also don't have to be completely discouraging of them. 

it's all about balance, and being more kind and forgiving to yourself than you realize. It's about figuring out what you need through trial and error but it's also about finding camaraderie with those suffering around you. Living in New York City is certainly about that at least. In my postgrad adulthood, i've bonded with more people over a delayed train than i have about shared sports teams, career choices, or political views. It's the truly basic human parts of our days that everyone knows so well, so why are these not our meeting grounds for change? 

and that leads us here ! to today ! to January 07, 2018 ! to me typing all of this on my tiny travel laptop because i'm still extending this winter holiday over a week into the new year because adulting, i'm realizing, is also all about making up your own rules as you go.

So i'm trying things out, i'm starting new projects, i'm pushing myself at my speed while trying to establish some kind of a balanced life and most of all, i'm ready to fail epically.

but i'm also so ready to finally succeed. 

~~~

~ E